Wigan Warriors Prop Ben Flower has admitted he can't remember why he retaliated the way he did in last years' Grand Final, punching St Helens' Lance Hohaia twice after and off the ball clash between the pair two minutes into the game.
In his first interview since the incident he admits he can't explain he actions,
"The frustration of knocking the ball on and getting hit made me react like I've never reacted before. say Flower
"I think the hype of the game was so intense, at the time I've naturally turned round and thrown a punch and gone in with the second one with no recollection why I was doing it.
He was sent off leaving Wigan a man short for the majority of the game which they went on to lose.
"I was devestated, it hit home over what I done wrong, I was letting my teamates down in the second minute of the game.
That was the hardest part, knowing they've got to play the rest of the Grand Final on their own."
"When I came off the pitch pitch then I just wanted to be on my own and out of the way of the cameras in the changing room, so i just sat in the shower room for a while and just repeated in my head, what have I done this for.
After the match police investigate alledged death threats to Flower on social media because of what happen something that Flower says difficult
"The reaction afterwards, knowing how much I was hated by everybody that was hard to take: knowing that you're trending on twitter at the time"
He currently serving a 13 game ban the longest ever handed out by the RFL and undertaking a rehabilitation programme.
The Prop said he owes a huge amount of gratitude to St Helens for the way they've handled the situation and says grudges will be held between him and Lance
"They've shown massive support towards me over the last through few months and I couldn't be more grateful for and I'd laike to say thanks to Lance as well. He's taken some abuse of the back of it.
"I hope he's moved on for it and when we see each other in the season they'll be a hand shake and we'll say "How's things?"
Flower could make his return against Warrington in April.